I gave up not eating fish… you’d think that would be enough. But there are just some places that you don’t go to eat fish at. To these food places, I just think you need to know how much you suck.
#1: Applebee’s. This place sucks so much it gets its own number. I effing hate this place for its sheer lack of anything vegetarian. Virtually every item (if not every item) has meat in it. Cheese quesadilla? Let’s put some bacon on there! Grand idea… douchebags. You are making me act like the most obnoxious chick in the world by forcing me to make this crazy individual order because I don’t want to eat a side salad for dinner. Thanks.
#2: Carl’s Jr., Good Times, etc. Bet you have great burgers. I bet they make C.’s mouth water (and by “bet” I mean they make C.’s mouth water) and they come from the best cow bits there are. I also bet that it’s not that expensive to get some freaking Boca Burgers and freeze them until my sorry ass comes around. Thanks for saving me money.
#3: My Kitchen. This is sheer laziness, as I live off of Pizza Goldfish and PB&J Roll-ups made with Flat-Out Bread. But even we have some Bocas in the freezer (if C. hasn’t eaten them all by now).
#4: Family/Friend Get-Together. This one is kind of a Catch-22. On one hand, I really, really hate that people feel the need to cater to my ridiculous food choices (and if I even think they’re ridiculous, you know they are). But even more so, I feel really guilty that people feel the need to tell me how much extra effort they put into making special “JP Food”. Thanks for the extra effort. It’s really, really sweet… but I’m still going to mostly eat sides. That vegetarian lasagna that you slaved over for three hours? I’m going to eat about a tenth of it. I like having a meal of mashed potatoes, bread and spinach. It’s like I’m spiting my Italian father each and every time just by doing so.
So, have something not drenched in meaty goodness (but, you know, don’t go out of your way, I can just eat brownies for dinner) and I’m a happy camper.
Just… don’t feed me a salad.